"Allow yourself to be skin hungry."

I don't want to eat for weeks. I'm so confused inside.


I literally feel like I'm going to vomit. Like he's going to drop me. Because I still don't feel good enough. Like I'm just too much of a mess. Not pretty enough.

Or I'm going to suffocate him.

Make him go.



It's been too long. I don't know how to do this.



There's just a lot of wind
Outside my door
And it's so loud
It fills my brain with noise
It's not real
All the scary wind
All the scary whirling swirling tree debris
All the leaves that scratch your skin
Dry and cracked and yearning
And my clothes keep flying past me
The second I step outside
And I am cold
And bare
And lonely

I feel like Sean is slowly ripping himself from me. But it's not just the strings being cut. Each is being dug from my skin, and I can feel every root I nurtured in him die.

I'm so scared. I don't want to lose him.

Iain for the win.
He gives me kisses on the cheek like my skin is made of porcelain.

I am so happy. What do I do with my nights? How do I spend my free hours? I sing. I dance. I play pretend. I forge friendships. Some forever. Some for the run. Doesn't matter.

I love to act.

I love you Martha Bette. I love you more than I can say.

I am Logainne Elliot SchwartzandGrubenierre.

:D

Who on my friends list knows or like The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee?

You know you're an actor when character research makes you put in "rape bruises" into google images and go through pages and pages of pictures. Absorbing, and piecing together your own story, so you can "personalize" later.

Where are you baby?
I need you now.
Shaking and twisting in covers, they're stale
The air is stale
I can't have anyone else
Any look, any smile, any gesture
I wretch
I break
Because you're broken
I want to bleed out into your puddle
I deserve nothing
But I must have you
You are crystal
And I must repair this
You are flawless
And I do not deserve to touch you
But please
My fingers burn
You are cool and gentle
I will smother
And you can blow the ashes away
Whatever you need
I am for you
I am nothing without you
Kick me
Spit me out
Rip my arms
And make me feel
An ounce of what you feel
I will wait
Rolling in my own filth
Until you come and shower me
And bless me with your kiss

My name is Janine Keely Anderson. Everyone just calls me Keely though. Because I don't look like a Janine at all. I'm 25 years old and I've experienced more than I'll ever tell you, because you don't have the energy or time. I was named after my great Aunt, she was my mom's favorite. I guess she was some hippie protester. Real strong woman. My mother's opinion is shit by the way. I wish I could call her a sperm donor, or a deadbeat, like you can a bad father. She left when I was ten. Granted, my dad did some stupid shit, cheated, lied to her constantly, spent his few free hours off patrol with some lady cop. I don't know. Whatever. But she LEFT ME. I was six. Barely old enough to understand what a marriage was, all I knew was that she was supposed to take care of me. Oddly enough, once mom left, so did the whore. Dad never found anyone else. I don't know if it was guilt or shame or remorse or whatever other word you want.

I know that he's omniscent, but sometimes I like to think that God has a massive television set, with hundreds of billions of channels, and each of us has our own channel. And when we die, we get a season finale, with advertisements and special guests.

If that is true, I hope he tuned in to watch me dance, alone, frustrated, in my kitchen.

Audition days I live off of coffee and nerves. I could make the Greek painting now for Who's Afraid. That's the kind of mood I'm in. Place. Whatever.


I WANT TO PLAY FOREVER.

I'm so lonely.

*picks up violin*

I want to be able to proudly submit myself for roles seeking "bikini ready" girls.


Seriously. I'm sick of this.

<---hasn't updated in ages.


Martha Bette and George Jeremiah are having a fantastic time getting to know each other.

I have beautiful headshots. Incredible, capture me perfectly, worth every penny and then some, HEADSHOTS! Getting them printed very soon.


I've been really sexually frustrated lately. I mean at the most random times too.


I wish I had more important things to say. I'm taking my check from the Bat Mitzvah I'm shooting and cashing the deposit. Exciting! Most of it will go towards getting my La Casting back up with new pictures, joining Now Casting and Actors Access.

LOOOOOVE!

I didn't get the Summer Short. Definitely bummed, but him telling me he loves me, and "You should be so proud of what you did. You had an incredible audition", helps a little.
He said it came down to "stupid stuff".

That's how it is with film.

I'm afraid.

I'm constantly walking on eggshells,
Begging for somebody to give two seconds of their lives
And touch me
Caress me
Hold me
So that I can forget about all my responsibilities
And relax
Get back to it eventually
Sooner than that.

Time for UCLA backup plans.

Please, please, please, let me, let me, get what I want, this time.


I'm looking at pictures of Uta Hagen playing Martha. Foxy lady.



Oh my beautiful Martha Bette, I've missed you so. You drip self loathing, contempt, and desperation, desperation to be TOUCHED.

I'm going to see Jamie today. A little nervous, a little excited. Such a precious talented woman. God saved her.

My GPA is a 2.77 now. I need to get A's in both these Summer classes. I still won't have a 3.0 for UCLA for the Spring. But hopefully with my Fall classes I will.